Relationships + Money = Teamwork
#TalkMoney Week with MoneyHelper.org.uk
Let’s start with uncomfortable facts. (Don’t worry, we’ll move on quickly)
In the UK, the latest data shows that 42% of marriages end in divorce, with these five reasons being cited as the most common themes*
(more data, citations & resources can be read in the links at the bottom)
Unreasonable behaviour, including cheating with another person.
A spouse being “bad” with money, compared to the other partner
Lack of communication
Money issues
Stopped loving each other
One of my friends who used to be a specialist family solicitor said the same thing to me about 20 years ago. So, not too much has changed.
The median duration of marriage for those who later seek divorce is 12 years.
If the ” 7-year itch” precedes potential divorce by around 5 years, it’s probably the perfect time to pay attention. It’s your early warning alarm. If you needed one.
Millennials, particularly, are in this bracket right now. Having likely got married around the age of 30 and now nudging towards 40, that’s a big seasonal life shift in itself. But particularly given the cost of living crisis these past 5 years, this has shone a torch directly onto these couples. Saving up tens of thousands for a deposit on a first home, having kids with crazy expensive nursery fees and a tough job market since during and post covid, it hasn’t been a rosy time.
Not talking about money can no longer be an option.
I’m neither a counsellor nor a therapist, but I will share with you what I’ve learned from hundreds of conversations I’ve experienced over the years, and maybe you can self-identify, find some comfort and ideas?
Let’s talk about money, and use one example that paints a familiar picture.
The financial wedge between you
One of you perceives the other as having an unfair advantage in how you spend your day or how much you earn. “It’s alright for you because…”
Or one of you has developed a new desire, a habit, an expensive hobby.
One of you earns significantly more than the other, and you don’t know how to manage this “fairly”.
One of you has wealthy parents and a different attitude to money, so your self-worth takes a battering. Especially since losing your job or that promotion.
Maternity leave has left a financial hole every month, and in your savings and pension contributions, leaving you feeling vulnerable.
You have different opinions on what you want your futures to look like. You’ve stopped talking about it and just focus month to month.
Your values have become opposed or off-kilter with one another. Saving vs spending, future proofing vs living for today, having a gorgeous car on finance vs paying cash for an older one.
Wanting that Instagram lifestyle you longingly look at daily, and buying things to try to attain it.
You see, it’s never just about money. It’s what the money represents to you.
Mary & Tom
Mary remembers being exhausted yet again, on the train going to another meeting. She would look at the gardens and kitchens of lovely homes as the train slowed pace approaching London. She saw glimpses of family life, the warm glow of lamps, the TV entertaining pyjama-clad toddlers, and she imagined the safe feeling inside compared to her cold carriage on the way to another stressful day in the office.
Fast forward several years, and Mary now has that cosy life, whilst her husband Tom is the one on the cold train, but he’s laughing with his commuter colleagues and signing lucrative deals in the office. Winning awards and getting bonuses.
But it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, for either of them.
Tom thinks she’s got it easy, staying at home with the kids, whilst he puts up with insufferable bosses and deadlines. He used to love coming home, but Mary has had enough by that time, and every evening is strained. A rush of eating, bath & bedtimes before cleaning up and watching TV or more likely, scrolling on their phones was what their marriage had become.
Mary loves her Saturday morning yoga classes, brunch afterwards with her friends and doesn’t really want to rush home. She really wants to book the health retreat her yogi friends are talking about, but she knows Tom will tell her they can’t afford it, and who will look after the kids anyway?
She simmers with frustration; a bitterness has formed between them, but she also feels that he does deserve to spend his hard-earned money on himself, too. She has a lovely home, and the kids want for nothing, although she resents having to ask for more money in the account. At least he’s not a cheater, unlike her friend’s husband. Did she really just think that to herself? Where has she gone? She used to be on a corporate board for Christ’s sake, where’s her gumption? Holding out her hands, like Oliver, was never part of her life vision.
Her part-time job enables her to pay for the children’s extra nursery costs and have some personal money. But it’s not much… She feels her self-worth withering away and wonders if she could cope with being a single parent. She pretty much is now, apart from the finances. There’s got to be more to life than this?
Tom loves playing golf on Sunday mornings and enjoys the big breakfasts afterwards. He doesn’t really want to rush home.
He can’t wait for his upcoming golfing trip; his bonus has paid for first-class flights, and it will no doubt be a messy week! He feels a bit bad leaving Mary at home with the kids, but they don’t want for anything. He ensures he puts plenty of money in their housekeeping account, Mary manages the finances well, and anyway, he’s worked bloody hard. He deserves this. He’ll buy them something lovely at the airport. They’re going away later in the year as a family, and of course, his hard work is paying for it all. The time apart will probably do them some good. There’s got to be more to life than this?
Maybe this story sounds like something from a bygone era to you, but I can assure you it isn’t.
Teamwork
You can see for yourself, on the outside looking in, albeit just a glimpse, that it’s about teamwork.
It’s about communication. Shared values. Respect and appreciation. Quality time together. Mary’s role in life has changed completely, and whilst of course, she absolutely wanted it to, it’s been a challenge to adjust in every way.
Do they need to learn how to manage money differently? Definitely.
Do you think this is a sign of financial abuse? As he is holding the purse strings, it’s certainly proving not to be healthy for their relationship. But as we get to know Tom, we can see that he’s not doing it out of malicious intent but rather an old-school view he learned whilst growing up that he thinks is the right thing to do in his role as The Provider.
Talking about money isn’t just talking about money. It is an ongoing conversation that is profoundly important in any relationship because money underpins life choices that should be made together.
I was crap at netball at school. I was always Wing Defence. The least shiny player. I was picked almost last every time.
I was, however, bloody good at hockey and played both centre and defence roles with equal wildness, receiving, alongside my best mate, who was also a great player, a ton of cheers and was always picked first.
We all know each player matters. A great pass, a great block, the whole team make the goals possible and everyone celebrates wins together. In professional sports, their matches are picked apart in great detail so that each person can improve their skills, and learn new strategic moves.
Mary & Tom have stopped understanding how beautifully their roles combine to make the whole family work. They’ve stopped appreciating each other, stopped respecting each other, and stopped talking to each other. They’re not on the same team now. They’re playing chess. Each wants to win, and they are each other’s components. We can all see they’re heading towards the 42%. So how can they change things?
How can they start to become on the same team again?
Mary and Tom used to be best friends, and they used to have enviable levels of emotional intelligence. They used to know what the other was thinking across the room with exchanged looks and be able to discuss anything and everything with great empathy, understanding and love. They’re good people.
They’ve decided they’re going to try these on for size before they seek next level help:
Play the affection game. When one reaches out to the other, that person gets a point. Mary finds herself squeezing his bum in the kitchen, “HA, it’s 5-3 to me”. They laugh, Tom catches up fast, and they realise they’ve hugged and kissed more times today than they have for the whole of the last week or two. It feels nice. It feels sweetly fun, not a big drama.
Tom’s mum is taking the kids for the weekend. They have a Friday night dinner like they used to, a glass of wine in the kitchen whilst cooking together, music playing and look forward to their spa weekend overnight stay.
They’ve agreed to ask each other questions and listen without interrupting. They can ask more questions to reveal more answers, but they are not to defend themselves. They are going to listen. And learn. And understand.
They’re both worried about how they’re going to be able to tap into the others’ emotions when they’re so consumed by their own. Mary’s yoga teacher has suggested they use box breathing, especially, as it is soothing when emotions get a bit too much. And become curious, not judgmental when asking questions.
Making a vision board together. It’s not really Tom’s cup of tea, but he is happy to co-create something that demonstrates what is most meaningful for them. They both realise the early years with their little people looks differently from what they imagined, and they have talked about how they’d like the next few years to evolve.
Financially, they can see how to marry up their vision board with the practical application of saving and spending. Tom was mortified to understand Mary’s deep resentment of how their money was being managed. He knew he liked to be the provider, but had forgotten along the way that he fell in love with this fabulous, capable woman. He had started to view her as his father had with his mum. She was feeling powerless and had started to withdraw emotionally, and he could see how he had made this happen.
They decided their next steps were to create a household financial plan.Both of their incomes would create one household pot.
It would become “our money”, not his or hers.
Large spending decisions, like home decor, golf trips and yoga retreats, would be jointly made. Planned in.They would create pocket money for the kids to teach them about money, and pocket money for themselves. Guilt-free spending.
They both confessed that they felt under enormous pressure to deliver in their roles, and they both felt ignored for their efforts.
Their family time was regularly compromised by “stuff” that had to be done. And due to tiredness and frustration with the perceived unfair workload, they had withdrawn from each other.Their vision board was centred on family life. So how could they move from their current situation so that family life was centred?
They agreed it would take a bit of effort to change their habits. Every day, it was a decision that they would do the little things that would prioritise family life. Doing the dishwasher together seemed ridiculous but they started to chat about their days whilst doing it.
The mental load of managing a household were to become more fairly shared.Saturday morning with a steaming pot of coffee and bacon sarnies would be their check-in morning. Kids had cartoons, they had life admin, a laptop and diaries.
So, this was what being grown-ups was like!
Sometimes Tom scored the goals, sometimes it was Mary. They each vowed to be each other’s wing defence again and cheer each other on.
⭐️What have you tried that has helped you enormously?
⭐️Please pop your responses in the comments so we can create a ripple of support 👇🏼
Resources:
I would like to invite you to download this planning system that first, gently approaches your plans & ambitions, desires and motivations within the workbook. The questions are brilliant at getting the conversation started and keeping it going.
Before you dive into numbers, we start with you.
You’ll be guided through 3 gentle but powerful phases:
Awareness – Understand how poor and strong financial wellbeing shows up in your daily life
Taking Stock – Get clear on where you are right now with money, and learn how to measure real-life progress
Looking Ahead – Start planning for the real stuff—like family costs, unexpected bills, or that dream you’ve been quietly carrying
💬 “Self-identifying is powerful—it gives you the words and the awareness to finally make a change.”
https://budgetingandplanning.co.uk/product/midlife-guide-to-financial-wellbeing/
ps. please see below further resources for your continued support.
Talking To Your Partner About Money
Couples counselling What therapy can help with
Divorce and separation | MoneyHelper
How Many Marriages End in Divorce? Divorce Rate UK Statistics (2025 Update)
Why Couples Really Divorce: Top 10 Reasons For Divorce (UK))
Couples counselling What therapy can help with
Divorce and separation | MoneyHelper
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